April 23, 2011

102 Reasons You Know Your A Celiac (Sometimes we just need a laugh)

You Know your a Celiac ....


1. If you don't remember what dinner rolls are supposed to taste like.
2. If you bring "special" beer to the party, and don't share.
3. If you actually have nightmares about reading labels.
4. If you compare all of your food to "normal-people-food."
5. If you call all your relatives when you get sick. It MUST be because something you ate has been cross-contaminated.
6. If you cry when you discover a new way to make gluten-free bread.
7. If you know that Xantham Gum is not for chewing.
8. If you don't lick stamps.
9. If you a part of you dies every time your toddler puts his plate full of wheat crumbs in the cleaned dish rack
10. If people are afraid to cook for you
11. If you sit on the phone with a pharmacy for an hour to find out what type of starch they use just so that you can take a generic Tylenol and be-rid of your headache.
12. If you know that spelt is a distant cousin of wheat, but buckwheat is not related to wheat at all.
13. If the construction workers working on the house next door to you can EASILY substitute your bread for one of their bricks.
14. If your grandmother INSISTS that you don't have Celiac Disease, you're just “suffering from malabsorption”
15. If you burst into tears of relief at the sight of the words "gluten free" stamped on the corner of the Nestle hot cocoa mix.
16. If people at summer camps roll their eyes and tell you to "stop annoying the waiters with your stupid low-carb diet because you're skinny enough already"
17. If you actually KNOW what an anti-TTG and an IGA blood test are.
18. If you forget to buy bun, rolls, bread, ect. at the store for all the gluten eaters of you family.
19. If people have invited you to "The Olive Garden" on April 1st.
20. If you have accepted their invitation and as pay back you bake them brownies
21. If you sold your house to buy groceries
22. If you sold your first child to buy groceries
23. If you can find "hidden gluten" in food labels in the blink of an eye
24. If your family couldn't find them if they had a magnifying glass, dictionary, and Ph.D.
25. If you've actually suggested cardboard for dinner.
26. If you've actually eaten cardboard for dinner.
27. If you wept the first time you tried to make gluten free sugar cookies
28. If you accept that fact that cardboard probably taste better than gluten free sugar cookies anyway.
29. If you have ever made a list of everything you would eat if a magic genie could cure you.
30. If you keep this list with you at all times just incase you should come across a magical genie.
31. If you have searched for a magical genie.
32. If you now have a large collection of old lamps.
33. If you get a medical exemption out of cooking class
34. If you've been caught licking a discarded Twinkie wrapper.
35. If at Christmas, visions of guar gum dance in your head.
36. If you've had to give a doctor a crash course in Celiac 101.
37. If you weep at picnics, parties, receptions and fast food joints.
38. If you weep at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
39. If you've "brown bagged it" to an elegant dinner engagement.
40. If a 7 Course Meal is a 1 Course Meal for you. Lettuce.
41. If you've installed floor-to-ceiling bookcases in your bathroom.
42. If you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie.
43. If it takes you hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is ruined.
44. If you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
45. If you've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat
display in a fit of rage.
46. If you've ever had to take out a loan to pay the grocery bill.
47. If you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like
sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.
48. If the centerpiece on your dining room table is a bread machine with memorial candles.
49. If your bread looks like a moon rock and tastes like dried out Play-Doh.
50. If your bread weighs more than any moon rock could possibly weigh.
51. If one of your primary goals in life is to create "Fake Oreo Cookies".
52. If you've disinherited loved ones for putting their knife in your mayo.
53. If you've brought a suitcase full of food with you on a cruise.
54. If you pace and circle the store three or four times when deciding on a new product, pick it up look at the ingredients, each time. Only to leave without it, figuring why bother.
55. If your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
56. If your financial portfolio consists of stock in two major toilet paper companies.
57. If you know that Play-Doh is NOT gluten free
58. If you can spell transglutaminase and dermatitis herpetiformis.
59. If you just discovered how to make flour out of turnips.
60. If you show up at the annual church pancake breakfast with a mask and sardine lettuce rollups
61. If having solid poop is the highlight of your day.
62. If you have actually doodled a new cartoon dog on your notes named "Sprue"
63. If you have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
64. If you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
65. If you have to buy extra memory for your Treo to be able to carry all your gluten-free food and restaurant suggestions
66. If you've mastered saying "I actually enjoy MY food" without your face twitching
67. If you know all about xanthan gum and its uses.
68. If you have ever dreamt about Wonder Bread.
69. If you hide gluten-free brownies when guests come over, so they don't eat them.
70. If you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
71. If you know exactly when Post added barley flavoring back to the Fruity Pebbles and you're ticked.
72. If you pay relatives back east exorbitant shipping rates to send you a $12 six pack of Gluten-free beer.
73. If you cried when you saw your usually careful husband brushing the crumbs off his hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer
74. If you talk about your disease (not the unpleasant parts) so much to your friends and acquaintances that your husband tells you you need to get another hobby
75. If you take a list of safe drinks to the bar with you. And actually consult it before you order a drink.
76. If you see someone buying rice flour in Bulk Barn and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
78. If it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
79. If people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
80. If you've refused things as "simple" as gum or sucking candies because you don't know if they're safe.
81. If you talk about endoscopy's and colonoscopy's like these are normal everyday occurences that everyone gets nearly every year.

82.If you find yourself reading more food labels than emails
83.If you've ever driven more than 40 miles to buy flour or a cookie
84.If it takes you 4 hours to grocery shop and your eyesight is
ruined.85.If you'd gladly pay any price for a pretzel that doesn't taste like
sawdust, or bread that doesn't taste like an old shoe.86.If your family thinks you're crazy for not tasting their new chocolate chocolate chip cookie recipe, because surely a little nibble couldn't hurt right?
87.If  you don't understand why gluten free food costs more but is half the size or regular food.
88.If it drives you crazy when someone says they completely understand your diet, they did Atkins.
89.If people roll their eyes at you when you say "no thank you" to someone's gluten filled dessert
90 If you see someone buying rice flour in the bulk section and you just have to ask them if they are gluten intolerant too!
91.Ifyou've ever deliberately rammed your cart into a Shredded Wheat
display in a fit of rage.92.If you read the ingredient label on green tea - plain green tea.
93.If Your friend invites you over for your birthday and want to make you a gluten free birthday cake but you plead with them not to, because although you're trying to seem like you don't want to put them through the hassle, you're secretly terrified there will be cross contamination.
94.If your 'favorites' sites are mostly celiac sites;
95.If you go to a potluck at a friends place and your dish is gluten-free. You dive into it first so that you get something to eat before others contaminate it.
96.If you have actually considered using a gluten-free bagel for a hockey puck
97.If you long to look at the contents of other people's fridges and pantries just to see what normal people eat.
100.If you hyperventilate when passing by the bakery counter.
101.If you have a sign in your kitchen saying "Gluten free environment"
102.If you cried when you saw your usually careful spouse brushing the crumbs off his hands (from making a gluten-containing sandwich) RIGHT OVER the open utensil drawer

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